The song that most caught my attention on Twin Gate when I first listened to it was “Unforgive You.” It’s such a haunting track, and the specificity of the person described made me wonder who it was written for. Actually, I think that’s how I came to find miko’s blog, as she explains there exactly what prompted her to write this song.

Normally, I post translations of miko’s blog posts after the lyrics, but for this song, I think it’s better to do it the other way around.

Right now a lot of people are posting the number to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) on social media and such given the passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I’d like to share a simple resource that helped me a great deal at a time when I didn’t want to talk to anyone, was afraid of doing so, and was unsure of where to even start: the Beck Depression Inventory (<- that’s a clickable link to a PDF). You can answer the questions, then at the end, it’ll tell you how to score it. It can be a good way to start sorting out your thoughts and feelings.

I can honestly say from experience that things can get better. Not everything and not necessarily quickly, and Life will always have challenges in store to push us back to the brink, but we don’t have to go over.

☆

miko blog, May 26, 2010

あなたを許さない (“I won’t forgive you”)

Hello!

Today is the release day of the omnibus album “NEO VOLTAGE,” in which we also participated. Those of you who already bought it, have you given it a listen yet?

We contributed a new song we wrote, “Unforgive You,” to this compilation. I couldn’t tell the whole story in magazines and interviews, but I think I’d like to share the story behind the lyrics with everyone now.

All my thoughts just came rushing out, so it turned out really long, but…even if it takes up a lot of time, please read it.

The lyrics to “Unforgive You” are something that actually happened to me.

I dedicate this song to the female guitarist T., who will absolutely never fade from me.

Before Igu, I was in a band my friends and I had made. I mean, we were in the studio making noise and having fun, that’s about it. It had two guitarists, like Igu. Let’s call this other guitarist T. She was another female guitarist.

T. had a very strong will, so she’d get mad when we were just yapping even outside the studio; she was completely indifferent to anything but the band. She took the guitar itself very seriously. I got the feeling she was a terrific person in more ways than one. At the time, I was satisfied just being able to have fun playing guitar, and wasn’t at all thinking about trying to become a pro.

But T. had such passion for the guitar. She said, “I still suck at it, but I’m confident no one practices more than me, at least.” When I heard her say that, I thought, “I don’t want to lose to her either, I want to get good at it!” Her passion and words gave rise to those feelings in me.

But at the end of the day, we were just an amateur band fooling around. So T. said “I want to be in a real band,” and left.

Then she immediately did a live show with her new band. I wanted to be like her so badly. At the same time, I was a bit jealous, and missed her, and was full of regret.

So finally I made up my mind to be in a band for real. We set up a show for our friends and family, after which we’d break up our little pretend band.

It was my first live show. Although I was looking forward to it, there was one thing I was worried about: T. hadn’t replied to my invitation.

“Lemme know when you do a show. I’ll come running to see you.”

Even though that’s what she had said, still I got no reply.

Then about two weeks before the show, one of the band members got an email to their phone sent from T.’s computer.

“Thank goodness! Since she hadn’t contacted me I thought she hated me…”

I was thinking silly things like that as I looked down to read the message, which, I remember clearly, said this:

“This is T.’s mother. T. died on the __th of last month. It was suicide.”

After that, I don’t really remember how I managed to make it up to the live show. I was surprised more than anything else. I feel like it took a very long time before I actually cried.

The curtains closed on our live show, without the presence of the person I had most wanted to see it.

I only knew her first name. I didn’t know her last name, or even her full address. Even though I replied to T.’s mother, I never heard back from her again.

Then I joined exist†trace, and I wasn’t about to let them go. I would protect the band members. I’ve come this far holding that wish close to my heart.

But the truth is, I haven’t been able to completely discard the possibility that maybe, just maybe, she’s still alive…

I couldn’t believe she would set her beloved guitar aside and die just like that.

Maybe she just got sick of me, and sent that email to fool me, to get rid of me for good. If that’s the case, then maybe she’s still alive, enjoying life somewhere.

Though that possibility may be infinitely close to zero, if it’s not zero, I want to see her.

Every time I get a fan letter or email, or a message on my blog, that says something like, “I can’t see the point of living anymore,” “I can’t stop harming myself,” or “Living is painful,” I think of T.

I wasn’t able to do anything for T. What could I do for you all now? I can’t just throw out some simple words of advice or encouragement to people in such fragile states.

After fretting about it a long time, this song, “Unforgive You,” is what I came up with.

For me, each and every one of you, the fans, are also members of exist†trace. Losing another friend, bearing that pain again, I won’t do it. Absolutely not. That’s why, even though this was a part of my past I wanted to hide, and hadn’t been able to tell the other members about it until now, that’s why I put it into song.

I believe that all of you, our dear friends, will read these lyrics, and stop from carrying out any such plans.

If this song could reach T., maybe I would be able to forgive her.

---

Unforgive You

君の瞳に映る心の炎に目を奪われて
振り返らないその背中を追いかけていた

憧れていた君が自ら命捨てた

歳月は流れ行き　痛みも忘れ
君のない世界にも　もう慣れてしまったよ
願った「私を欺いてでもどこか遠くで生きていてくれたら」と
届け

しなやかに奏でる指先に目を奪われて
満ち足りたあの頃の私に戻れるのなら

側にいれたら君の痛みを拭えたの？

歳月は流れ行き　私はここに
君の見た夢の先　描いては思い馳せ
儚く消えそうな君に似た人
どうか消えないで　これ以上悲しみはいらない

歳月は流れ行き　痛みも忘れ
君のない世界にも　もう慣れてしまったよ
願った「私を欺いてでもどこか遠くで生きていてくれたら」と
届け

Unforgive You

Kimi no me ni utsuru kokoro no honoo ni me wo ubawarete
furikaeranai sono senaka wo oikaketeita

Akogareteita kimi ga mizukara inochi suteta

Saigetsu wa nagareyuki itami mo wasure
Kimi no nai sekai ni mo mou nareteshimatta yo
Negatta “Watashi wo azamuite demo dokoka tooku de ikiteitekuretara” to
Todoke

Shinayaka ni kanaderu yubisaki ni me wo ubawarete
Michitarita ano koro no watashi ni modoreru no nara

Soba ni iretara kimi no itami wo nugueta no?

Saigetsu wa nagareyuki watashi wa koko ni
Kimi no mita yume no saki egaite wa omoihase
Hakanaku kiesouna kimi ni nita hito
Douka kienaide kore ijou kanashimi wa iranai

Saigetsu wa nagareyuki itami mo wasure
Kimi no nai sekai ni mo mou nareteshimatta yo
Negatta “Watashi wo azamuite demo dokoka tooku de ikiteitekuretara” to
Todoke

Unforgive You

I couldn’t take my eyes off the fire in yours
I was chasing after you as you forged ahead without looking back

I wanted to be like you—
……but then you threw your own life away

Time goes by, and I forget even the pain
I ended up used to a world without you in it
I send out this wish, hoping it reaches you:
“Even if you tricked me, please be out there somewhere, alive”

I couldn’t take my eyes off those fingers moving nimbly on the strings
If I could go back to myself in those carefree days…

Had I been at your side, could I have taken your pain away?

Time goes by, and I’m here,
Playing out the rest of your dream in my mind
Those fleeting lives, on the verge of fading away like you—
Please hang on! We don’t need any more sadness

Time goes by, and I forget even the pain
I ended up used to a world without you in it
I send out this wish, hoping it reaches you:
“Even if you tricked me, please be out there somewhere, alive”